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Richard Wallace Reports!: Science

It’s the story on everyone’s lips; what’s that smell? Richard Wallace doesn’t know, and he wishes that you’d stop asking, and that he could find his keys, and his son. Until that whole mess sorts itself out, here’s an exclusive scoop he stumbled upon while trying to eat something he saw in a television.

Everything to do with maths, space and plants is incredibly boring, it was revealed today.

As the new series of Professor Brian Cox’s Wonders of Life began on BBC Two, it became abundantly clear than any and all material of remote interest to humanity had been used up in the first ten minutes of episode one.

“Look at this interesting rock,” pleaded a desperate Cox.

Meanwhile on Stargazing Live, as a team of Jodrell Bank astronomers peered beyond the limits of the solar system with an enormous telescope so complicated that it would have made Galileo shit his pantaloons, one remarked: “space is kind of empty, isn’t it?”

“I’m so glad you finally said it,” a colleague replied. “This is shit. Why are we doing it again?”

“Ssh!” replied Cox. “Let’s try colouring it in. We’ll make something up. They don’t know. They are literally a bunch of morons.”

Despite the audience being insulted repeatedly over the course of the show by supercilious know-it-alls in white overcoats, viewing figures actually went up as footage aired of the ubiquitous Cox discussing fractals with lots of nice pictures.

“The interesting thing about fractals,” said co-host Nigel Rogers, a hairdresser from Basingstoke who had been kidnapped and stuck in a lab coat after being found intoxicated in the bushes around the back of the BBC Television Centre muttering vague threats to a parked Vauxhall Astra, “is that these patterns can be found repeated in every cell in every living- oh, sod this. It’s like watching paint dry. Can I have my Vodkat back?”

Viewing statistics indicated that Professor Cox’s oddly soothing Mancunian accent was the only reason anybody watched the show and that he could have been reading passages from Finnegan’s Wake or the shipping forecast for all they cared. However, he was

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keen to stoke public interest in the importance of scientific rationalism, insisting that he has “been dining out on the Mandlebrot numbers for years. I literally cannot believe nobody has noticed how ball-achingly dull it all is. I assume nobody wants to be the first to admit that it bores the tits off them for fear of appearing dense, but I suppose they’ll cotton on eventually. Until then I’m buying all the fur coats I can get my hands on with the advance money from my Wonders of Life book, which contains lots of lovely drawings of the Higgs-Boson done by my son. He’s three. Even he doesn’t pretend to care about space, and he’s impressed by the concept of Ready Brek.”

Senior BBC executives have also expressed doubt about the future of public interest in documentaries which are literally about some dust surrounded by large amounts of fuck all in which nothing ever happens.

“We’ll probably turn it into some sort of cooking show with Jay Rayner or that gobshite Giles Coren. Remember Giles Coren?” said the director general on Monday. “We’ll call it Wonders of the Known Kitchen and it will be about looking for fractals in loose-leaf spinach.”

“Fuck that,” said Cox. “I’m going back to playing keyboard. I’ve had a Number One hit. How’s that for a mystery of the universe?”

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