Reading time 3 minutes

Appropriate Deaths for Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers’ age was so much of a part of her act that you were, in some way, always prepared for her death.

You knew she was old because people never stopped telling you how old she definitely was, and you knew she was old because she was allowed do whatever she wanted. It was ridiculous to criticise anything Joan said because it was understood that, like the most stubborn of grandparents, she was too set in her ways to consider changing.

I care much more about being funny than I do about being fair, and this is why I love Joan Rivers. Jokes, like art, used to be treated as the work  of the comedian rather than the definition of them, and this has changed. Social media (first and last time I use that phrase in this article, hand to god) has made us strangely puritanical, and I often find myself wondering whether most people on Twitter spend their time actively trying to be deeply offended.

I’m bringing this all up because this was all stuff Joan Rivers didn’t bother worrying about, and now she is gone, and she went in the worst way possible. This riotous, perfect cunt of a woman who spent her entire life raging, who spent every day fighting, who didn’t give a fuck whether or not you liked it, died in a quiet old woman way, and I cannot reconcile Joan River’s dying with Joan River’s death. So I have come up with a list of preferred options, and suggest you do the same. 

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, during vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, after being fucked to death by Louis CK.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, while screaming at a Subway sandwich artist.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, while leaving Goldie Hawn an aggressive voicemail. “You are as old as you look,” she says “And you do look old enough to have a daughter that age.”

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, in the arms of five beautiful gay men, who love her. “Joany, you slut.” says Ethan, the tallest one, a respectful tear gliding down his cheek, “Joan, you goddamn slut.”

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, after throwing a Dunkin’ Donuts cup out of her car window and hitting two small children.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, after asking all of the Chinese women in her audience to leave.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, while telling Melissa that she should dress more sexy.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, moments after writing down three really solid zingers about the nude photo leak.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, while ripping the hair out of Chelsey Handler’s skull.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, after putting a pair of very large sunglasses on and telling her driver to fire her maid. “Tell that old cunt,” she told him,  “I said, get off my property.”

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, as a guest judge on season 7 of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, telling North West Kardashian to lose some weight.

Joan Rivers died on the 4th of September, 2014, in bed and surrounded by her dogs, her make up people, her stylist, her daughter and her grandson. She was wearing silk button-down pyjamas. “I love you assholes,” she says “Goddamnit, you know I love you all to death. Now get out.”

 

About Work In Prowess

Work in Prowess is the ravings of a mad king left to rot in a besieged palace

Contact

For any and all editorial inquiries please contact Caroline O'Donoghue the site editor.