I always have. I liked him when he was young and sexy, and I liked him in 30 Rock when he was old and sexy. I like him when he’s fat, and I like him when he’s thin. I like his daughter, Ireland, who is one half of the world’s most beautiful lesbian couple, and I think his brothers, well, I think his brothers are okay.
But here’s what I like most about Alec Baldwin. It’s the fact that his podcast, Here’s The Thing with Alec Baldwin is The Most Dad Podcast of All. Time.
Don’t get me wrong: Alec Baldwin is a great interviewer and a smart man. I’m sure, in his head, he is more than a middle-class white dad who rides his mower around his front garden and grants a knowing smile to an expertly raised flag. I’m sorry, Alec. You are now at an age where being a Middle-Class White Dad permeates your whole existence, to the extent that you probably have no muscle memory of doing Beetlejuice. You have gone Full Dad, and you proved that today when you were interviewing Ira Glass.
Let me set the scene: Alec is asking Ira about spirituality, and what he thinks happens after you die. He’s not being particularly forthcoming, so Alec offers what he hopes it’s like after you die.
“I sit in a screening room, and God is there, and he says, “What do you want to see?” and I say “Kennedy assassination” and he says “roll film”.”
If you don’t think this is the most wonderful, Full Dad thing anyone has said than I feel deeply sorry for you. One of the key tent poles of the Dad Experience is the fact that Dads cannot take that they will never truly know what happened at the grassy knoll. I’m pretty sure that my Dad thinks about it, on average, about once an hour. If it was a choice between going to my wedding and seeing what really happened at the Kennedy assassination, he would pick Kennedy assassination ever fucking time.
Guys. It gets better.
A little later in the interview, Alec tries to tell Ira Glass that he is the Alan Ladd of Public Radio. Alan. Ladd. Ira Glass, who is not a Dad, is confused.
“What does that mean?”
“Alan Ladd. Shane.”
“I don’t know who that is.”
At this, Alec completely loses his shit. The fact that someone could not be familiar with the 1953 movie Shane is too much for him to handle, and he abandons composure completely.
“SHANE,” he clarifies loudly, as if Ira Glass is your teenage boyfriend who has just made the grave error of walking into the room while your Dad is watching TCM. “Come back Shane!”?
Ira Glass does not know what Shane is, or what “Come back Shane!” means. At this moment, Ira Glass looks cool. I think even Ira Glass would agree that Ira Glass is many things, but cool he absolutely ain’t.
It feels important to tell you that my brother is named after Alan Ladd’s character in Shane, that I love my Dad very much, and that listening to Alec Baldwin lecture a national treasure about the movie Shane was the closest I’ve felt to home in many months. So thank you, Alec Baldwin. Thank you for obtaining Full Dad.
Posted by Caroline