You might not realise this from the photos you’ve googled of me, but I am actually very into fashion and am a very fashionable young lady. 

Carlotta Eden – Kind of Wants to Be an Actress, But For Now Is Just Happy with Whatever

It goes without saying that Carlotta is rocking a sixties thing here. That is easy. But what you don’t realise, because you are not as stylish or as into fashion as me, is that Carlotta is doing a very specific look from the sixties. She is doing 60’s Girl, colon, Recently Moved to London, Kind of Wants to Be an Actress but For Now Is Just Happy with Whatever?

As any lover of the monochrome prints of the mid-60’s will know, Carlotta lives in a two bedroom flat in Crouch End with three girls, one of whom is experimenting with a diaphram. The four girls are all the same dress size, and this is not an accident. Carlotta’s chic Peter Pan collar suggests she has been to three casting calls: one went okay and one was confusing and one she’s pretty sure wasn’t a real casting call at all, but a dating service for millionaires. She is good-natured about this, as her messy up-do implies.

Harry Harris – Is Doing Well, Considering

“I saw Harry the other day,” says a gentle friend.

“Oh good!” says a lazy friend “I have been meaning to, but you know – you know how it is. How is he?”

Harry’s chic autumnal pallette denotes that he is doing really great, considering the tragic death of his wife. She passed in the spring and the doctors were fully aware from the soft cashmere of his classic slate-gray overcoat that the terms ‘visiting hours’ do not apply to him. After a few months, he is back on his feet and socialising again. Pulling on his so-on-trend maroon trainers and jaunty sport scarf, he is telling the world that he is ready for life again. No matter how many wives life takes from him.

Martin Gaston – God This Eighties Stockbroker is Having a Long Day

Yes, the eighties were a period of lush economic growth, but don’t you for one fucking second think that this means life is easy for an eighties stockbroker. This slick contemporary look is both masculine and screams “I need a lot more coke than this to get through the rest of this morning.” When it isn’t sexually harassing Melanie Griffith at the beginning of Working Girl, Martin’s pinstripes are returning to the classically clean lines of the era, adding a little flair to his rampant denial of climate change.

Sleek leather brogues cover up what is undoubtedly a thick argyle sock, where a respectable amount of party heroin is hidden. His broad rims offer us a tasteful reminder of eighties fashion’s unique ability to eccentrically twist on conservative references, while still sowing the seeds of the 2008 economic crisis.

Très bien, Martin.

The Kid – Young Widow Has Stopped Bothering to Look Sad At Her Husband’s Funeral

Leave it to fashion’s big up-and-comer to give a fresh twist to this classic style story: that of the young widow who is just done giving any fucks about her husband’s funeral. And why should she? The veil gives an elegant nod to Dior-esque romance while still reminding us that life is fleeting and the future belongs to the strong.

Dripping in diamonds and giving the camera some serious CuntFace, this ingenue pairs the gentle femininity of a mustard vest with a pixie cut to die for – all topped off with a delicious expression of general disdain. Throwing down the gauntlet to rival waif Carey Mulligan, this clothes horse is about to throw dirt on the coffin and the public’s face.

Do you want me to tell you what your outfit is? Email me a picture of a thing you’re wearing and I’ll tell you what it is.