Following the recent complaints around the marginalization of men in films, we would like to issue the following reminder to all major studios as a warning that, while men may not make up the majority of the film going public, buy fast moving consumer goods or exercise their right to vote that often, they are still a significant demographic and must therefore be catered for. Our failure to fully cater for men is a grievous oversight that we must work swiftly to rectify. To that end, here follows a list of guidelines for future endeavours.

ONE

John McClane is portrayed in DIE HARD as a barefoot hero who saves innocent lives, but he is also divorced. Though there is little explanation, it is too easy to assume that he is divorced because of some failure of his own: if a hero is portrayed as divorced, make it clear that his ex-wife is crazy, drunk, a murderer, or similar. Men should not have character flaws.

TWO

If you suggest that Voldemort is an evil wizard hell-bent on domination then you suggest that all men are evil wizards hell-bent on domination. Make it clear that Voldemort (or similar) is an abandoned child whose entire life has been nothing more than the tragic and failed search for love and acceptance. Men should not be seen to be villainous.

THREE

Remember that the world contains upwards of a dozen different varieties of men and the man/men in your movie cater for all of them. In Interstellar the men who stay home instead of saving the human race are not represented. This is unacceptable.

FOUR

It’s time to start showing males heroes as heroic. Infallibly heroic. If the hero is put in a position where he is forced to choose between saving the woman he loves and saving an innocent child, he must somehow manage to save them both. Ideas for implementing this include: previously undiscovered powers, a secondary hero entering the game at a late stage, ignoring the laws of physics.

FIVE

We do not want men to be made to feel like they don’t measure up to the standards set by movies. However we also do not want films with ugoes. Please only cast handsome men who are able to create the illusion that anyone can be as handsome as them. Chris Evans is too handsome. Jonah Hill is not handsome enough. Find a midpoint.

SIX

We know from research that people like violence and explosions in their movies, but we know also from research, that people who are violent and make explosions for no reason are considered “bad.” Therefore please make you heroes show reluctance to be violent before they are violent.

SEVEN

We know from research that people like boobs and sex. But they can get upset if they think the boob people are just there for their boobs. Please ensure that the boob people have conversations as well as boobs. If the men are shown to care about their talking as well as their sexing everyone will be happy.

EIGHT

Above all make sure the men on your sets feel appreciated. They are the most important part of the process and this should be reflected in all things. Encourage any ladies who happen to be around to compliment the men, and to listen attentively to their stories about their own arms.

Meanwhile if you could all draft up explanations of how your previous films in fact do adhere to the new policies, and how audiences simply misinterpreted your intentions and therefore failed to see that we really supported men all along.